It took me a while to write about this. Afraid that people would find out that I couldn’t really do things I once did, at least not all of the time. Or even wanted to. Mostly concerned they’d see my insides, which are mostly soft with some angry bits and maybe made of red thread. Keep in mind until 2010, I didn’t even know what a thyroid was, I am not clear what is going on in there. Until pretty recently, I thought babies came from belly buttons. And I was right. Don’t let someone touch your belly button unless you can imagine them being the father or mother of your child one day.
The lyrics from Paul Simon’s Heart And Bones, “Why won’t you love me for who I am where I am”, is specifically the best part of that song and everyone is allowed to cry when it plays. I had love, no matter what was happening to my hair, or how altered I felt. I had kindness in my life. I had family and friends. This is health in it’s own way. I knew it. I know it. Despite tremendous change and feelings of loss, I had and have a lot.
Should I apply those thoughts on love to my own body, well, I guess I never really thought about that kind of love, the where I am who I am kind. I do now. I don’t worry as much about how I look in a bathing suit, or my jeans, or my bathing suit over my jeans. Which looks pretty cool. This new skill of accepting myself, shows up more and more. It is just a body, my body, doing it’s best, as genetics and environment roll through me, no better than any other. Just the one that I have. The vessel, where I store my snacks and where my heart is. Even when my shoes seem so far away, or I magically put on ten pounds in a week. I am fine. Sometimes, I understand more (not about biology). But, about other important things.
So, where was I? Hair loss. Okay, so imagine the most beautiful hair in the world- or like Scar from the Lion King but nicer, sexier. My mother use to call my hair a “crowning glory”. So you can imagine the amount of ego I had wrapped up in this hairdo. That was now all over the bed, the kitchen, my computer. My meals. My boyfriend would sweetly sweep it up if he could before I noticed. The first pill that I tried, a very mild dose, had this side effect, nothing to worry about according to my doctor. She wasn’t aware it was a side effect (it is a side effect of this medication I was trying) until I told her. She recommended that I buy a better quality shampoo, perhaps “A Pantene”. I remember thinking that I buy much fancier shampoo than my doctor. One of us had to get our priorities straight (her). Also, I began to worry that maybe this magic pill that works for millions of other people, wasn’t working for me. My heart began to beat really fast, and the room seemed to get smaller. Turns out, that was the medication too.